what is everything

細陪我去紋身的店，走上三層的唐樓，我們赤著腳在翻那些設計。細每一句都是嘩這個很痛，那個很痛。It doesn’t help，我歎氣跟她說。心裡想，幸好大大已答應陪我。然後我們兩個白痴一樣傻笑。
我想到時我會跟大大說，很痛。大大會淡淡地說，姐那一定痛。我們見過大家痛不欲生的身勢。相對，靜靜流涙，我們其實不懂得哭泣。我沒有見過像你們那樣乖巧的孩子。如果我有孩子，我希望她以你們的眼光去看世界對待別人。
然後我們走在半山的街巷。我買了漂亮的睡衣，漂亮得然後打算出街穿。坐在橫街的小店，看著你們煮熔可可來喝。看著你們說話。看著你們瞪眼然後取笑對方。看著愛。
Freudian slip: she’s just not that into you? he’s nothing into you. 一起去看肥皂劇。走路到Flying pan吃早餐。吃一杯又一杯的馬天尼。我不明白你說，to be somebody。what is somebody? why when you are so beautiful, you have to be somebody else?我不明白。那些外在的所有一切，有什麼意義。我關心你這刻過得好不好。你有沒有把心打開。有沒有人令你感動。一首歌。一套電影。一段文字。令你心靈湧熱，你又有沒有令人感動。安撫別人。這些事情，你已經在做，你是我妹妹。你還有什麼懷疑呢。我那麼肯定。那麼肯定的看著你。你要按著你的心去走。細突然說，大大要在，有些事情她要聽。大大，我們那麼需要你。你來我把你抱住，其實我們只分別了幾小時。我什麼都不認得，只認得一個人的心。大大，你知道我連憤怒都沒有了。我完完全全接受了世界。所以我的，不是憤怒，不是恐懼。是傷心。你走到我的心前，走入去，見到我，牽著我的手說，接受不完整的靈魂。我的涙一串串的流下來。我們又，相對，靜靜流涙，我們其實不懂得哭泣。我沒有見過像你那樣乖巧的孩子。我說不出話，我只能在睡了一天之後，把事實陳述。你說，是我把他們收容而他們變的獨一無二。大大，從來是因為你愛。你愛。不過是因為，我們的手，穿過他的黑髮，半根白髮都叫我們落涙。寫下詩一樣的信。委屈都不訴說，不懂，無力說。那些只能被明白不能被說出的委曲。我們看著大海來淹沒。
我只感到真實。你們總是令我感到真實。你知道我不害怕，至死都不怕。不怕愛到最後。我們一起的地方就是安全的地方。
Family is in blood, framily is in heart and soul. 這首歌是給你們的。My love, whenever you are lost, you will be found. From your sisisis.

Maybe it was to learn how to love
Maybe it was to learn how to leave
Maybe it was for the games we played
Maybe it was to learn how to choose
Maybe it was to learn how to lose
Maybe it was for the love we made
Love is everything they said it would be
Love made sweet and sad the same
But love forgot to make me too blind to see
You’re chickening out aren’t you?
You’re bangin’ on the beach like an old tin drum
I cant wait ’til you make
The whole kingdom come
So I’m leaving
Maybe it was to learn how to fight
Maybe it was for the lesson in pride
Maybe it was the natures’ ways
Maybe it was to learn not to lie
Maybe it was to learn how to cry
Maybe it was for the love we made
Love is everything they said it would be
Love did not hold back the reins
But love forgot to make me too blind to see
You’re chickening out aren’t you?
You’re bangin’ on the beach like an old tin drum
I cant wait ’til you make
The whole kingdom come
So I’m leaving
First I turn to you
Then I turn away
So you try to hurt me back
But it breaks your body down
So you try to love bigger
Better still
But it…it’s too late
So take a lesson from the strangeness you feel
And know you’ll never be the same
And find it in your heart to kneel down and say
I gave my love didn’t I?
And I gave it big…sometimes
And I gave it in my own sweet time
I’m just leaving
Love is everything…