In Which a T-Rex Eats Laoghaire…

silvercitysands:

widchadidcha:

widchadidcha:

widchadidcha:

pentwhistle:

supertam87:

widchadidcha:

widchadidcha:

widchadidcha:

soka13:

supertam87:

This is without a doubt entirely the fault of @outlandishchridhe who sulked and pouted over BBTW being in my fic yesterday, and had to bleach her eyeballs. She DEMANDED that I write a fic where Larry gets eaten by a t-rex. @snurkenach joined in. Simple math proved that, as it was 2 against 1, I was outnumbered and had no choice but to write their story. It’s their fault and I don’t apologize. There are NO SPOILERS, because this story is ridiculous.

FanFic MasterList


It was a prosperous community, as far those things went. Everyone worked cooperatively, and the food was plentiful enough, most of the time. The men hunted daily while the women did everything else, from minding the children to mending the dwellings, gathering fuel, harvesting fruits and edible roots, getting water, making clothing, tending the fires, producing the tools needed to accomplish all of this work, and on and on and on. Honestly, the men kind of sucked. But, they were big and strong, and provided meat, so the women agreed it was wise to keep them around.

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The Alpha-female, CavewomanClaire, was a great healer and much revered for her knowledge and special powers. She kept mysterious leaves and barks in her hut, which she ground into powders and steeped into teas, providing healing and nourishment to the community. Everyone looked to CavewomanClaire as the leader, and her word was law. She held special councils where she dispensed justice, blessed the women’s choices in a mate, and told the men to sit down and shut up when they got too loud and boisterous.

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CavewomanClaire had not chosen a mate, and all the men in the village hoped that one day she would choose them. They hunted with great skill in an effort to please her. It was hard to get them to do anything else, because they were hairy louts, but the hunting was dangerous and hard work, so she was happy to let them prove their worth in this way. She had no intention of choosing any of the men to be her mate, because then the delicate balance she had created within the community would be disrupted and the men might not be as compliant. Cavewoman Claire was no dummy.

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One day the men returned from hunting with a wooly mammoth for dinner. How lovely! CavewomanClaire adored wooly mammoth steaks. She would be bestowing some favors tonight. It didn’t take CavewomanClaire long to notice that something was amiss with the men, so she called CavemanDougal to her. He was a great hunter, a leader amongst the men, and not too bad to look at, but he was kind of a slime bucket, so she kept him on a short leash. CavemanDougal told her of a stranger they had found whilst hunting. He had been injured and alone, so the men brought him along, thinking that CavewomanClaire probably didn’t have anything better to do with her time than heal strangers, because they were always hunting, and never really paid attention to what went on in the village. It’s like the food just magically appeared on their hand-carved stone plates, seriously!

CavewomanClaire was happy to attend to the stranger. If he proved to be strong and smart (for a dude) she would encourage him to stay. A sabre tooth tiger had taken out poor Caveman Angus just last week, and she needed a replacement.

CavewomanClaire went with CavemanDougal to the site, just outside the village, where the men had left the stranger. He was badly wounded in the arm. He had been gored by something with a germy, gross tusk most likely, and his shoulder was also out of joint. CavewomanClaire assessed the damage and made caveperson small talk, which sounds like a bunch of grunts and snorts, but translates to, “Bummer about your arm. I’ll bet it hurts.” “Yep, it do.” “Want me to fix it for you? I’m kinda the bomb when it comes to healing.” “Welp, I don’t have any other options, so have at it.” “Try not to cry, pretty boy.”

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CavewomanClaire was serious about the pretty boy thing. This stranger was one hot cup of steeped leaves. She likey. She did her thing, and in no time, the stranger, who’s name was CavemanJammf agreed to spend the night in the village so that CavewomanClaire could continue to tend his arm and watch for infection. The upside was that she could look at him a lot, because he really lit her fire, if you know what I mean, and seriously, fire was hard to come by, so it was a win/win.

He eventually healed, and by the time he was well enough to go hunting, it was obvious to the whole village that CavemanJammf would be staying on. He was smart and strong and super hairy – an obvious sign of caveman superiority. He out alpha’d CavemanDougal in no time, and soon became CavewomanClaire’s trusted advisor. She was ready to claim him as her mate, knowing that when she did he would be able to maintain order amongst the men, and keep them compliant through his forceful personality, and his great ability to kick butt and take names as needed. CavewomanClaire was beginning to think that there might actually be a caveman who was her equal, and she was exhilarated by the thought.

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She had jumped the gun just a little bit, though, because the next day she went down to the water and found CavemanJammf with a nasty, scabby, pox-ridden hag named CavewomanL’Hoor. He looked grossed out, but CavewomanL’Hoor was a big girl, and she was spoiling for a fight. CavemanJammf could obvi take her, but he was supes nice and didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

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CavewomanClaire saw CavewomanL’Hoor reach out and take CavemanJammf’s hand, and place it on her scabby, nasty bewb. CavewomanClaire was all “Ew. No.” and decided she’d better help CavemanJammf out of this icky situation.

Just then, she heard a terrible, thunderous rawr, and a T-Rex came out of the primordial sludge intent on CavemanJammf. “That’s weird,” CavewomanClaire thought, “I could have sworn the dinosaurs all died out eons ago. Clearly DinoDude didn’t get the memo. Well, no matter.” She pushed CavemanJammf to safety just as the Rex was about to eat him whole. Grabbing a spear, CavewomanClaire thrust and jabbed at the creature, driving it towards scabby CavewomanL’Hoor. This chick had been a problem for a long time. She was on CavewomanClaire’s last nerve and it was time for her to go. 

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It didn’t take long for the T-Rex to set his sights on the scabby package CavewomanClaire was presenting, and the resultant carnage was abundantly gory and limbs flew everywhere. When the T-Rex had done what he came there to do, CavewomanClaire hi-fived him and thanked him for taking one for the team. She told him (because she could speak dinosaur – seriously, this chick is a BAMF), that there were loads of people just sitting around as easy pickings in a circle of standing stones a few miles away.

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“That takes care of that.” thought CavewomanClaire, feeling pretty fly.

CavemanJammf was totes hot for her in that moment and lost all his chill. He bashed her over the head with his club, and dragged her back to his place for some old-timey caveman jiggy. All was going according to plan, thought CavewomanClaire.

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As cavemen are wont to do, CavemanJammf’s secksy times were short and brutish. While CavewomanClaire appreciated the technique, she knew he could do better. He was about to tie up his flies and head over to the furs for a little shut-eye, when CavewomanClaire told him to hold his horses, she wasn’t finished yet, thank you very much. She dragged him out back behind the wood shed and proceeded to teach him a thing or two about love. When CavewomanClaire was finished with him, CavemanJammf saw stars and rainbows and unicorns. CavewomanClaire did too, because she knew the importance of getting yours.

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In the end, CavemanJammf agreed to be CavewomanClaire’s mate, because he knew a good thing when he saw it, and was only sort of a hairy dumb caveman. CavewomanClaire continued to be the leader of her people, and they prospered in peace and harmony with the land.

The day another stranger stumbled into the village, CavewomanClaire and CavemanJammf had him come to their hut so they could interrogate talk to him. He was a weird dude who wore sweater vests, which were totally not even in fashion yet, and said he was writing the history of the T-Rex and proceeded to tell them all about his research. They quickly set him on the trail of the last known T-Rex, conveniently in the direction of the standing stones, because, honestly, this guy was so boring. Like mind-numbingly boring.

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No one want’s to hear your story, CavemanFrank. It isn’t about you. Get a grip.

And they all lived happily ever after.
The end.

@supertam87 Bringing this back! I had a good laugh with this story. Always!

@supertam87 This needs to be reblogged repeatedly! This would have to be the funniest thing I have ever read. Like laughing, crying, pants peeing, fair dinkum funny. 👏👏👏👏😂😂🤣🤣🏆🏆

Reblogging cause it’s piss funny 😂

Reblog remember how funny this was …… no … let me remind you 😂✌️💛

😘😘😘 I❤U, @widchadidcha!!😂

YOU HAVE TO READ THIS!! Leghair is gone for good ladies!!!

@supertam87 Right back at ya my friend. This is truly an award winning piece of writing, and anyone disagreeing clearly would not know a good piece of literature if it smacked them in the fucking face. 

Reblogging for Fanfic Writers Appreciation Day 21 August 2018. This is one of the funniest stories in the history in the OL fandom. Love you Tam. xoxo 

Time to bring it back @supertam87

Thank you for bringing this back! It doesn’t get old 🙃

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