Guys… it’s time I introduced you to The Worst Chicken.
Meet Tammy Two.
When we first got chickens, one was named Tammy Wynette. She was a great little chicken and we loved her dearly. But sadly, she died. We joked that if we ever got more chickens, we’d have to name one Tammy Two, both in honor of our original Tammy Wynette The Chicken… and Megan Mullally’s iconic evil ex-wife librarian character from Parks and Rec, Tammy Two.
HAHAHAH hilarious, right?
WRONG.
We realized our grievous error when Tammy Two The Chicken started truly embodying her Parks and Rec namesake.
1. Tammy Two thinks she’s a gd rooster. Every morning at dawn, she sings us the song of her people. Wait did I say “sings”? I meant “screams.” She screams. At dawn. Repeatedly. Every damn day.
2. She insists on laying eggs from the roosting bar rather than the nesting box. As a result, her eggs fall several feet to the ground and break. Then this terrifying cannibal fucking EATS THEM.
3. She’s aggressively territorial with the other chickens. Integrating her into the flock makes me feel like a WWF ref. She BIT PART OF THE COMB OFF ANOTHER CHICKEN.
4. She’s nearly impossible to catch. I’ve never met a chicken more willing to dive into the jaws of death (read: the path of the dog) to avoid being picked up, but this asshole is like “FUCK OFF, BITCH, YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!”
5. Instead of free ranging through the yard with the rest of the flock, she goes straight for the garden beds, burrowing in the freshly tilled soil and tossing seeds out onto the pavers. One time I yelled at her and she stopped, looked me straight in the eye, and shat.
6. Every time we’re fed up with Tammy Two and talking about eating her, she lays the most giant, perfect, delicious egg in the nest. So she earns her self a stay of execution for a few more days until she goes back to her hellish ways.
This chicken is the worst send help.
UPDATE: Instead of laying an egg today, Tammy Two practiced her impression of a rusty hinge in a haunted house. Should I eat her?????
My first answer is FFS, anon. I can never tell if anons like this are that naive or that bad at hiding an anti-Sam agenda.
Sam’s social media is not what gets him award nominations. It’s whether his studio decides to spend the money and the time behind the scenes to get him a nomination.
He was the most active of all of them in Season 1 and gave the most stand-out performance and was the only one not nominated. Your idea of what it takes to get nominated is not even close to reality.
Nobody seems to care about Sam is the dumbest thing I’ve read today.
Cait’s strategy for the last two months has been anything but genuine, IMO. My interest in her hasn’t increased other than the fun 26 things she did and getting amused at her out-of-the-blue idea of distraction and her Starz-directed keep the fans engaged (that Maria let slip out). And of course don’t forget to slip in a few narrative-supporting comments. In fact, after the Reserved Magazine bullshit, I’d say that I lost a bit of respect for her unless she was directed to do that piece of fanning the fuckery flames by TPTB.
Tori